I don’t know how it is but somehow the readers come out of the woodwork when I write about a bad day. I think I must have one person that reads my blog and then calls all their friends when its a depressing post. It’s funny and amazing to me! I don’t know who you are, I can only see how many of you there are.
I think my depression has piqued for this season of separation from Derick. I hope it has anyway. I discovered what I needed to help me through this. I need to make time for myself. Not just take it when it is available to me. And, this weekend I needed a visit from Jesus and those things are exactly what I got. My Bible study and MOPS are starting in the next week, so I think that will help with the me-time. Sometimes I feel selfish when I take time just for myself and do things like get my hair done or go shopping for clothes for myself, especially when I go somewhere without Brody. Or I feel guilty asking someone to watch all 4 of my kids. Four is a lot! But, Saturday afternoon, God heard my prayers!
Romans 8:26 – “Likewise, the spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”
My brother Isaac and his wife Rachel, had plans to babysit my sister, Carrie’s kids. Carrie’s husband got sick and suddenly Isaac and Rachel had no plans. I watched their son all afternoon, and when they came to pick him up I planned on leaving my kids with them to go mail a package to Derick. Except I didn’t realize that the post office closed at 3pm. (Grrr!) But, Rachel, (God bless her!) made me leave anyway and go do something alone, with no kids… not even Brody. And I wasn’t allowed to come back for at least 2 hours. So, I took a Christmas present back to Bergners and used the cash I got back to take advantage of Bergners clearance sale. I bought myself 3 new sweaters and a pair of jeans. I am hurting badly in the area of wardrobe! That, right there, is almost the extent of my wardrobe. I’m not the typical girl. I can always think of things I’d rather spend my money on than clothes. But if I don’t have anything to wear, I’m the first one to whine about it.
Sunday morning, I went to church in a new sweater and new jeans and felt really good about myself. Still have weight to lose but I was wearing nice clothes that fit the way they are supposed to. I don’t usually go to Sunday School because Brody needs to eat, but the kids enjoy it so they go and I sit in the mother’s room and feed Brody. Christian came and found me for the church service so he could sit with me. Yesterday, I think, was one of the most Spirit-filled, anointed services I have ever been to at Northfield Christian Fellowship. From the time I walked into the sanctuary I knew that God was in that place. I knew that God heard my prayers. He has not forgotten me and my little children. He will take care of us whether Derick is here or overseas. He has everything that we need! I’m not going to try to analyze my loneliness or misery. But, yesterday, I was broken before the Lord and today I feel like a new person. I know that I live with little kids and have to make an effort to talk to adults. I know that my little kids will get my new clothes dirty and my house will get messy. But I also know that the answer to my problems is not Derick’s return. It is Jesus. He will sustain me. He will give me strength. He will help me to take my focus off myself and see that others are hurting too.
I’m not the only mom that feels out of control. I’m not the only one whose husband is overseas. I’m not the only one whose husband will be job hunting soon. I’m not the only one with disobedient children. I wasn’t the only one that was lonely during the holidays. But, Jesus understands all of that.
Isaiah 40:31 – “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
Sometimes, I get so caught up in waiting for the event that I forget to wait on the Lord. I don’t know what God is going to do next. When Derick first left, I was energized. I was ready to see what the Lord had for us, specifically during the 6 months that we would be apart. Somewhere along the line I lost my focus. I was focusing on being alone, instead of being with Jesus. Yesterday, God reminded me that I am his ambassador where ever I am and in whatever situation he puts me. I am not here alone, to pine away for Derick. I am here, alone, so that I can focus on Jesus. Sometimes God has to use what seems like the most difficult circumstances to really get our attention. And if it doesn’t work the first time, He’ll keep doing it until it does. Today, my focus is on Jesus, and I pray that I don’t lose focus again.