South America – Day 65

If life is full of peaks and valleys, I think today would be a valley.  Maybe its because of the weather.  Maybe its just that I miss Derick.  I wish I knew.  Things really are going pretty well.  And the things that get me down are so superficial.  When I think about it then I feel ashamed that I let it get to me.  Things like my kids messing up my house as soon as I get it picked up, or whether or not I will be able to lose the baby weight. 

Sometimes I get down just because I don’t get to text Derick anymore.  I have talked with him in some form almost every day since he has been gone, even during his 2 week field exercise, he still sent me text messages.  Some people would be quick to point out how “strong” I am.  “I don’t know how you make it,” they would say, “I know I couldn’t!”  I know that God always gives you the strength to complete the task that he assigns to you. 

I could give legitimate reasons why I should not get upset about the afore mentioned scenarios.  But, I could not tell you why, inspite of those perfectly good reasons, they still get me down.  I shouldn’t be upset about my house because I know that every mom deals with that, when they are raising small children.  And I shouldn’t get upset about the weight thing because I know that it will eventually come off like it always has before, especially this spring when I start biking with Derick.  I think that the reason it gets me down is that those two things just seem to scream to me that I am alone right now.  No one is here that would care about the house being clean like Derick would.  Not that I was very good at keeping it very clean when he was here.  But, at least I had motivation to try.  And Derick always has a way of making me feel beautiful no matter what I looked like.  He doesn’t just say it, he believes it.  That made all the difference.  Aida tells me I’m pretty sometimes, but only like a 3 year old could.  Its just not the same as your man telling you. 

The problem also stems from knowing what I need to change, but not having the motivation to do it.  I know if I quit snacking and quit eating so many sweets and drank water instead of caffinated drinks I would start losing a little faster.  And if I would start exercising, even just a little, it would come off even faster. I know that if I just planned on picking up all the rooms before bed, the mess wouldn’t get so overwhelming.  And in the process I would be teaching my kids how to clean up after themselves.  Where does the discipline and motivation to do these things come from?  I have learned that if I don’t get myself out of bed significantly before my kids wake up so that I can read my Bible and spend a little time alone with God, I am not a very nice mom, and my day goes south pretty quickly.  So, while Derick was gone the first time, I got in the habit of doing that.  Now, even when everything in me is telling me to stay in bed, I still get up, just because I know that the day will go so much better.  Will it be true for the other things?  If I stop drinking so much caffeine and stop eating so many sweets will I not have such highs and lows emotionally, and then start really losing weight.  If I made an effort to get a babysitter at my house just twice a week to watch my kids for 45 minutes so I could go for a walk, would it make me feel that much better?

Here is another vice.  I feel better when I look better. (Everyone does.)  But, to look better I know that I should get myself some clothes that fit better.  But, I don’t want to spend money on clothes that fit better because I don’t want to be this size long enough for it to matter.  I have other things that I’d rather spend my money on. 

This is what happens when I take my eyes off Jesus and start looking at me and the things around me.  This is what happens when I stop waiting on the Lord and I start waiting on the event.  It totally drains me!  I have no energy and no motivation to do anything!  “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall soar on wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:31.  I have heard that verse so many times that it sounds cliche’ to me.  I think, “yeah, yeah, I know what it says.”  But do I really understand and apply it.  I obviously don’t have renewed strength.  I’m not soaring and I definitely feel like fainting everyday.  Maybe I should post it on my bathroom mirror so that I can read it every morning while I brush my teeth.  Maybe I should start by praying this verse everyday.

Lord, give me patience and understanding to wait on YOU not a circumstance or event.  Let me soar on wings like eagles, help me not to be weary as I run this race called Life.  Help me not to feel faint even in doing just the mundain everyday tasks.  Help me to do all things to glorify you, not to gratify me.  I love you, and I want to display that even in how I take care of the earthly treasures that you have entrusted to me.  Help me to treat my home as your home and my body as your temple.  Thank you for the strength that you have already given to me.  Help me to take it everyday!  In Jesus name, Amen

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