Brody doesn’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m sitting in the living room while he is in bed. My main consolation is knowing that I have done everything I can for him. I know he is just super tired and needs to calm down long enough to fall asleep. Wait… its quiet now… I think we may be close…
Oh, the sound of a silent house. My house is trashed again, but the dishes are done. that does make me feel good. I just have to avoid my living room, because… well… its just depressing. Half of my living room furniture is in the basement and half of what is in the living room, doesn’t belong there. Today just seemed like a really hard day. I miss Derick so much it hurts sometimes. My house is a wreck, and I feel so broke. I know that God has provided so much for me and my family. I know I sometimes take my eyes off the bigger picture and I start feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Derick called me today and told me that he has a free weekend in October. I can come out there and visit if I want to. We can spend the weekend on the beach or Disneyland, or whatever. But, the problem is the money. I am scrimping to pay our bills right now. A plane ticket to California is $400, plus hotel, car, and spending money. I think I’d be looking at $1,500, realistically. That sounds steep, but a hotel is a minimum of $78/night ($312) and a car is $40/day ($200). That’s a grand total of $900+, and spending money and food on top of that. Ok, maybe $1,500 is a little high, but I’d rather aim high and have money left over than to aim low and run out. I think all of that is what’s upsetting me and when one thing seems bad, everything seems bad. I don’t have that kind of money right now. I did get a phone call from a friend tonight telling me that she would loan me the money. I don’t get very excited about borrowing money, especially from family or friends. But at the same time, I don’t want to miss out.
I realize this sounds completely backwards from a lot of my other blogs. I go on and on about how God provides. He is so creative. He never brings you what you need in the same way twice. But, in all of that, I have a weakness. Is God as concerned about my wants as he is my needs? In my head I know the answer is “yes”, but I have a hard time really convincing myself of that sometimes. But I know the reason it is a yes. He is my Father. He loves me more than anyone on this earth could possibly love me. He wants to bless me. Seeing Derick would be a definite blessing right now! Brody going to sleep and not waking up every 5 minutes would be a definite blessing right now!
I don’t even know what to write tonight. Carrie came over in the morning. I took advantage of her being there and took a shower while she read to the kids. Then Kendra came over and spent the day at my house. My friend, Kim, came and had lunch with me and we talked about our husbands being deployed. Hers is in Iraq with the Marines. After that I just didn’t have the energy to keep up with the mess that the kids were making. Every time I sat down to nurse Brody, Aida and Allyn would look right at me and start doing things they knew to be wrong. Its so frustrating, because then I have to stop feeding, put Brody down and correct the other 2. And half the time I have to discipline with a spanking or a thump on the back of the hand or something to that effect. Mostly to Aida. She is having a very hard time with a new baby and with Dad being gone. I’m at a loss sometimes.
Well, Brody is still squirming and grunting. I’m gonna stop and feed him again, I think. Maybe that will calm him down. Good night, everyone. Sweet dreams!