Derick comes home from drill today. It wasn’t as tramatic of a weekend as some may think it would be. We really fared quite well. I was only really emotional on the day that he left, and that was just from feeling lonely, fresh after his departure. Other than that, the weekend went fine.
Christian went last night to Ron and Angie’s house. They are his grandparents from my previous marriage. I actually get along quite well with them. I think I have a better relationship with them now than I did when I was married to their son. I actually haven’t heard from my exhusband in a few months. It makes me wonder what’s going on. I am torn as to how I should feel about him. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I want him to change his life. I believe that Jesus can give him the power to do just that. I think he can be a strong and very influential man of God. I think that he has an endless amount of potential with all of the artistic talents that God gave him.
But, on the other hand, as the mother of a child who’s father has addiction issues, I would just as soon, he drop out of our lives all together and let Derick adopt Christian. I know that is the wrong attitude, but from a human perspective it is so easy to just ignore the obvious will of God for someone to accept Jesus. (2 Peter 3:9 – The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.) I feel like Jonah. God told him to preach to Ninevah. First he ran away. Then when he finally did preach to them, they repented. They changed their lives… and Jonah got angry and bitter. He took it upon himself to decide that they didn’t deserve mercy. Its easy to read that story in the Bible and think that Jonah is so dense. Can’t he see God’s bigger picture? Can’t he see how much God loved them too? But is it really any different with any of us (with me and my ex)? Am I so much better than he, that God would choose me over him? Yet, I still feel tempted to sit here and rationalize my feelings. Its ok, I might say… I’m only human. God understands why I feel that way. Its only natural, after all, I’m Christian’s mother.
No, God calls us to a higher standard than that. We, as Christian’s need to own our actions and take responsibility not just for that but for our attitudes too. I was reading Galatians 2 today when Paul confronted Peter about making the Gentiles live like Jews, when he himself was not. And suddenly I wondered if Peter ever questioned why God would save a man like Paul. Surely the disciples had first hand encounters with Paul before his conversion. They knew how ruthless and unmerciful he was tward Christians. Did Peter ever think, “Who is this man that God should save him? I have been a follower of Christ from the beginning and now this sinner is telling me what to do?? Who does he think he is?!” Did he ever think, “I may have denied Jesus, but that’s nothing compared to torturing and killing his followers!” If he did I’m guessing he didn’t dwell on it because the Bible doesn’t talk about it. I have to wonder if those thoughts crossed his mind simply because he was human just like me. And I have to keep reminding myself that Joe is just as worthy of salvation as Paul was. And, certainly, just as worthy as I.
Lord, Jesus, I need to take a minute to pray specifically for Joe. I pray for his sincere salvation. I pray that you would make the path straight before him so that he could allow you to change his life. He is not a lost cause, as you have continuously shown me. He still has a calling on his life and it is not your will for him to perish. Thank you for your love and forgiveness. Thank you for your neverending mercy and grace. In Jesus name, Amen.